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“A family in Maynard is outraged after their 5-year-old daughter was forced to write a letter denouncing hugging after a classmate embraced her.”
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“I woke up the next morning connected to beeping machines. It turns out that, in accordance with popular belief, you really should not drink liquid nitrogen.”
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“With a small adjustment in processing procedures, the revenue service could send you a tax form already filled out with the information it has for you — a Simple Return — rather than a blank tax form.”
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“Scripture warns that it is very dangerous for one not believing in the Real Presence to receive Communion … ” Yup, you’ll die: 1 Corinthians 11:29-30. Gotta love the more obscure weird stuff …
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“Otherwise they reserve the right to give me the same sheets each day.”
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“Some people were yelling, ‘BACK UP!’ to the people below, and a few people were running up the moving stairs to keep from piling on the crowd below. People were crushing each other at the bottom. It was pretty ugly.”
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“Because the vaccine protects against a sexually transmitted virus, many conservatives oppose making it mandatory, citing fears that it could send a subtle message condoning sexual activity before marriage.” What the DEAR LORD?! So now CANCER is better?
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Dear God. And it just keeps getting worse.
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“That led to a pretty long discussion about why those cups are shaped like little cones. One theory is that they are made that way to prevent you from putting them down anywhere, forcing you to eventually throw them away. Another is that they are made fro
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“[A]s Pickett was directing bus traffic, he said he was handcuffed and roughed up and humiliated by the very people that were supposed to protect him.” “I’m a police officer. I’m with Homeland Security … I’ll move it when I want to.”
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“EFF senior staff attorney Fred Von Lohmann read that reply, and tears the Smithsonian a new one — his counter-arguments follow after the jump, along with point-by-point shredding from Los Angeles entertainment attorney Joshua Wattles.”
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“Still, VJ-1 was not considered a public health hazard until 1977, when Marie Osmond went on live TV moments after drinking some VJ-spiked milk. In front of fifty million horrified viewers, Marie proceeded to strip naked … “
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“Victor Garber is a classically trained actor, former star of Broadway musicals, and consummate badass. His steely glare has killed three people, and hospitalized twelve others, during his five-season run on ABC’s Alias.”
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“[I]t has churned out series after series in which twentysomething actors of varying talent unconvincingly play high schoolers with really great skin, lots of money, easily surmountable problems that nonetheless require inordinate amounts of brooding… “
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“Wayans Brothers can be identified by their willingness to appear in anything if sufficiently compensated, their overuse of inane catch phrases, and their general lack of actual humor.”
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“While it is never explicitly stated, it is clear that Katherine has responded to her frustration with George’s fumbling attempts to satisfy her by subtly emasculating her husband. Witness that Webster is told to call the man of the house “George,” but mu
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“Welcome Back, Carter was a sci-fi sitcom on NBC in the mid-2000s. A spin-off of ER, it featured former doctor John Carter (Noah Wylie) as he returned to his home planet, Mars, to teach a bunch of misfit school children.”
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“Philbin would assemble a group of adorable children from a nearby orphanage. He would ask the delighted children, ‘Who wants to be a millionaire?’ and wait for them to raise their hands excitedly. Philbin would then scream, ‘Well, you can’t!’”
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“Thomas ‘Tommy’ Schlamme is the Elton John to Aaron Sorkin’s Bernie Taupin. Except we don’t think Tommy’s gay. Isn’t he married to that chick from Chicago Hope? Oh, and he doesn’t have the flamboyant wardrobe. [...] Okay, so it’s not the perfect analogy.”
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“Unknown to the audience, Taylor is under the delusion that he is the star of an ABC sitcom called Home Improvement. Taylor’s family and co-workers play along with his delusions, out of fear that he will go postal with a staple gun if ever confronted with
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“Ty like ABC. ABC give Ty job. Ty also recommend you shop at Sears. Buy Craftsman. Craftsman good. Craftsman… pretty.”
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“With both hands, firmly move the waistband of the victim’s pants down from just below the armpits to the general vicinity of the hips.”
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“The Apprentice is a competitve reality television show that airs on NBC. Created by George Lucas, The Apprentice is hosted by Emperor Palpatine, and the final prize is a job as Dark Lord of the Sith in Palpatine’s vast real estate Empire.”
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“In the series’ memorable 1992 finale, one of the children manages to alert police, who storm the house. Huxtable, blazing away at SWAT team members with an automatic machine gun, dies in a hail of gunfire, prompting his cryptic and much-debated final lin
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“Millions tuned in to watch the dramatic series finale, in which Jan finally succeeded in burning down the house with everyone inside. ABC briefly aired a Saturday morning cartoon based on the family’s future adventures entitled, ‘The Brady Ghouls.’”
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Amen!
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“[A]s dissent among the Muppets began to simmer, a group of perfomers successfully broke away from Henson through a loophole in their contracts. Relocating to New York City, they formed an urban commune known as Sesame Street with the help of a group of s
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“Each week for half an hour, Kermit marshalled the confused, hungry, but determined Muppets through a series of skits and musical numbers designed to distract them from their worsening plight. Even so, matters continued to deteriorate … “
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“Paris’s calculation that her daily living expenses could feed the entire population of Botswana, Nicole’s complaint that the dresses she had been given to wear ‘lack any kind of load-bearing structure’ … “
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“To this day, the special has only aired once on TV and has never been released on VHS or DVD. Enigmatic and reclusive creator George Lucas has stated that this is because he thinks of it as a magical, once-in-a-lifetime experience, and to try and make mo
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“It posits a highly implausible alternate reality in which a wise, well-educated president, selflessly devoted to the public and apparently unbeholden to special interests, leads a passionate and effective Democratic administration.”
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(But don’t click unless you’d like to see a mostly unclothed nice-lookin’ lady.)
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“I don’t care. You shouldn’t be playing on the phone. Now put her on the phone before I send the police out there to knock on the door and you gonna be in trouble.” And the mother dies …
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